Life is Love

Anonymous asked: I can feel the darkness creeping back into my life. In a way I want to wrap myself in the numbness because I know I won't be hurt by the world anymore...but then again I enjoy seeing the world in color. It has just been so harsh and cruel to me lately IDK if I want to stay... I am afraid of resorting back to my old cutting self Hating habits. I need help. When I look in the mirror I want to tear the image to pieces. I hate who I am. And I hate that I feel this way because I told myself

You are not a failure, you are human.  Forgive yourself darling child and chances are, if you truly do, you will never cut yourself again.

c: hehe.

When I was a kid I never played with baby dolls, I remember having barbies, but I was the only girl with 2 brothers on either side, so I was surrounded by the ‘boy’ toys and used to play outside with them as a regular thing.  I was and am very empathetic, so I was always the first one to help one of my friends in need, whether it was a broken arm or needing to vent about home troubles.  I was there to help, my life role.  I did my fair share of babysitting, but never found it to be more than a chore. As I got older, I found that I liked kids a bit more and worked for a day care in my early twenties while trying to  get established as an artist.  Every mom in the world ought to work a couple of weeks in a daycare.  

I got married and lost a baby early on and was devastated.  My husband and I tried for 10 years to have another and we were finally blessed with our daughter.  Being a mom is one of the most amazing things that I will ever do in my life, also one of the most challenging.  I think losing my first baby and the 10 years of disappointment afterward made me realize how much I need to savor my time with my kid.  Being an artist and having an incredibly generous husband gave me the ability to stay at home with her during the first 10 years of her life.  The infant days went by too fast, everything was such an amazing discovery, thrown in with days of wanting to pull out my hair XD.  Toddler years were the most crazy so far…Im not a great toddler mom I think.  Give me an infant or a 5+ year old and Im in my zone.  But the minute my daughter could talk in sentences, we had the most amazing conversations. She wanted an explanation for everything under the sun and I wanted to provide her with one.  Using the phrase “because I said so” was never anything but a lesson in frustration to us both.  If I didn’t know, I looked it up and we both sat at the computer and learned about so many things.  It was one of my favorite times in my daughter’s life.  School came next…more next post.

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold. 

Her early leaf’s a flower; 

But only so an hour. 

Then leaf subsides to leaf. 

So Eden sank to grief, 

So dawn goes down to day. 

Nothing gold can stay.

~Robert Frost

• • It is an interesting thing how we deal with death, especially when it is someone we care about.

• Yes, our first thoughts are NO! We need more time with them.
• Exactly right. As much as I am grateful for those that want me to prolong my life it seems to be a ‘selfish’ response.
• It is…and one I won’t apologize for though. If we had a timetable, an end date…we wouldn’t have squandered all the time we did with the stupidity we manage to create everyday. In my 20s I had an older woman who was very special to me diagnosed with cancer and I never was able to work up the courage to go say goodbye. I think I was terribly afraid of all of it. The regret I still carry today has made me face all those fears and realize they were all in my head. I don’t fear dying anymore. The deaths I have been a part of, my dad, my aunt..they have both been gifts to me. It sounds strange, but they gave me strength.